Risk and Reward
by Fallen Ark Angel
Summary: Laxus fears the risk of opening yourself up to pain. Mirajane explains it's necessity. - One-shot.


When he was a little boy, Laxus found that he felt alone. A lot.

Which wasn't wholly true. Gramps was always there. Even when his parents couldn't be. Separated by death from his mother and by mental instability from his father, the man was a rather steady constant in his early life. Not to mention many of the other, now long gone members from the guildhall that had no real, lasting impression on Fairy Tail's new breed, not really, but when he remembered the glory days, the people he emulated and adored, it was always from when he was around the age of five and even the lowliest of mage looked like a master.

Still, for all the people he was around, Laxus always felt kinda lonely. The women in the guild liked to sing to him and giggle at all his fantastical, little child lies and the men liked to toss him up on their shoulders and tell fantastical embellishments of their own.

But they all left.

Eventually.

The life of the mage was hard and not made for family men leading to many leaving it as they aged. It was an unreliable profession, if it could even be called that, that was abandoned somewhere along the way for most. It always stung though, hurt real deep, when someone had their emblem removed because they'd gotten married or found something more productive to do with their time, than drinking and spell casting.

When he was really little, Laxus couldn't wait to have a kid of his own, a son, who'd he teach magic to and come home with gifts from exotic places for, like his daddy did for him. But as Ivan got more deluded and memories of his faded from his mind, it became difficult for him, even as a young child, to desire that.

A family.

Because families eventually were ripped apart. Whether from death, illness, or just the person joining a new guild or deciding the life wasn't for them, there was no constant for him. There was no constant for anybody. It was just better to learn and accept that.

The closest thing you could ever have, ever treasure, were friends and it took him a damn long time, even, to make that concession. But with as loyal followers as the Thunder Legion, it was hard not to. Even as hard as he tried to push them away, as horrible as he was to them at times, they were there for him, to see him through it.

And he had no doubt, regardless what became of the guild or any of their personal lives, that nothing could ever truly tear them apart.

Nothing.

But that didn't mean that he went back on any of his other assertions. No. As he grew, Laxus found little need for a family. Nothing deeper than the guild or the Thunder Legion, at least. He had fine luck with women and when something ran it's course, that was just it.

It was good that way.

For a long time.

He figured it was the same way for Mirajane too, honestly, in the beginning. She told him as much, or at least he felt, one of the nights when they laid together in his bed and tried hard to not consider the ramifications of their relationships recent development.

"My parents loved one another," she recalled softly as he laid beside, seemingly disinterested outwardly, hoping he didn't give away too much how deeply he cared for her words. "Very much. We didn't have a lot, you know, or they didn't, I guess, but… They sick. One right after the other. And then… Sometimes it just bothers me, I guess. To think about. How you can do everything right, bother absolutely no one, and you still end up..."

He agreed.

Wholeheartedly.

Life took things from you. Everything from you. And fine, yes, you had to make some concessions, allow yourself some joys, but to take too much, to indulge too harshly, only led to heartbreak. You didn't need more than a guild and good friends. Anything more just bled you dry eventually.

Which was why he knew that it had to end eventually. He welcomed it, even. He and Mirajane were never supposed to be together, it was a gross overstepping of boundaries and he knew, oh man, he knew, how sticky and horrible guild relationships went, but he just…

They both loved Fairy Tail, more than anything, and knew what it stood for and meant. So when, inevitably, everything in their slowly forming relationship broke apart, he just hoped they'd be able to amicably find peace between them.

If only for the sake of the enigma they both treasured so deeply.

But things never seemed to reach their natural end. He thought they should. Soon. He was gone a lot, on his S-Class jobs, and that was usually what led to women eventually growing tired of him. It made it difficult to build a connection, much less maintain it, and he was reaching an age where the women in his circle wanted some sort of commitment.

Something real.

But Laxus always felt too real.

Mira was always just there though, holding down the guildhall while he was away, and she didn't seem to wonder what took him so long, on jobs that seemed rather upfront. Never questioned his activity or absence.

"I'd travel too," she admitted to him once. "If I could."

When he mentioned her ability to do just this, she only shook her head, made a vague reference to the bar, and, well, he wasn't pushing her into anything. Not when she wasn't doing it to him either.

That was the thing though. She wasn't pushing him. At all. Mirajane seemed just as content with their lack of pace as he was trying so hard to find any sort of issue with it. There was nothing he could find wrong with them, not enough to sacrifice what she did bring to his life at least, and man, he wanted there to be something.

Anything.

But there was nothing.

"Sometimes," Mira told him one night as they walked to his apartment together, late at night, after he stuck around to watch her close down the hall, "I just want to stay in moments. You know?"

He knew.

But he also knew that you couldn't.

Because time went forward and feelings couldn't stay stagnate, no matter how much you wanted them to. They either grew or diminished and he didn't understand it, really, why it was becoming increasingly hard to even picture himself with someone else, to think about what he wanted with Mirajane, their life, their future, and how could he even think about that? A future? With someone who thought the exact same as him, that if you fell too hard into it, gave into the universe too much, it would rip your heart right back out of you?

He didn't think he could be that open. That honest. But one morning as they sat at the kitchen table, over the breakfast she'd prepared, Mirajane only stared at him with quizzical eyes and a curious expression.

"Laxus," she asked softly after he finished, laid it all out there, all his thoughts and feelings, in an honesty on stone cold sobriety could provide, "you think that I don't want that? To fall in love and get married and-"

"Your parents died, Mira," he told her plainly with a heavy tone. "And so did mine. And so does everyones. No matter how much you love one another, you always die. Or end up divorced. Or separated. Or you have a kid and you feel stuck together forever even though you're miserable and-"

"Laxus, that's the point though." And she smiled in uncertainty, reaching across the table to lay a hand over his. "You can't experience real happiness without risk. Theirs no reward without it. I didn't tell you about my parents because I hate how it turns out for them; I told you about it because I think about them all the time and how lucky I would be, even if just for a night, to find myself that in love. No matter how it ended."

Staring heavily down at their hands then, Laxus shook his head as he said, "I just… I don't want to be hurt. Or to hurt someone else like that."

"Then you'll never get to really experience it," she replied simply. "And that makes me really sad for you."

She started to retract it then, her hand, to shift back in her seat, but Laxus was quick then, to grasp her hand, and as Mirajane only stared at him with wide eyes, Laxus found his own avoiding the woman's with a huff.

"I think I love you," he whispered softly, making a disgusted face despite his declaration. "Mirajane."

Grinning warmly, she told him in full sincerity, "I know, dragon."

And he couldn't be for sure, certainly not in that moment, that it wouldn't all blow up in his face in the coming days, much less months or years, but as he let out a breath then, he didn't realize how empty he'd feel, with his admission. But as he sucked one right back up, staring into the woman's bright blue eyes, he felt a fullness he hadn't in a long time.

Laxus hadn't felt alone in a long time. Not since he was a little boy. Not since he'd discovered the sense of companionship that could be derived from one's team, friends, followers, and guild.

But that early winter morning, as Mirajane giggled and he allowed himself to smile, if only a bit, he found that there had been something else missing as well. The indulgence he'd always kept at arms length. For as bitter as he knew it would taste, were it to be taken away, he had to admit, in that moment, there was nothing sweeter.


End file.
